I'm going to stop using live journal. I personally don't see the point since I never know how to write what I'm feeling in a way that makes sense. I won't delete my account because there are some peoples live journals who I will continue to read and comment on, but as for me updating mine anymore, this is my last post.

its like I told Heather before I can only handle so many social networks and online journals before I get bored and stop using one of them. I still have facebook which I'll never delete and my myspace (which to be honest, I could delete that but its fun to do surveys and when if I cant sleep at night I'll screw around with different layout designs)

alright.

peace out, I guess

I gave in. It was only a matter of time. I should probably be more upset over this. I'm not.

my mom just bitched at me for not emptying the dishwasher and doing the dishes. I told her I had a major cramp and have been in a lot of pain, so I was laying down. Then she goes on saying if I want to act like a child I can move out. she said someone other shit, but by then I had walked away. This is getting out of hand. I can't even stand the sound of her voice anymore.

oh and all the times I do clean up, I dont get any credit because I dont say anything. maybe everytime i pick up a cup or empty the dishwasher I should leave a post it not

I've come to the conclusion that I'm all the talk and no action. I say I want change. I say I need change, but do i actually do anything to help go towards that change. No. I do not. Now, i'm not writing this to be all "well that stops here...from now on I'm going to walk the walk" because I know thats just not true.

My dad wonders why I never ask him for help. Maybe its because he's like a fucking time bomb and I don't know when I simple question like "can you print something out for me" will spiral into a lecture of how I basically suck and cannot function as a normal person. Then he complains I'm like a brick wall, but doesn't shut up enough for me to be able to say more than 1 or 2 words.

AHHHHHH!!!! My train leaves in about 2 hours. I am so excited. I will get into Fitchburg at 6pm and staying over at Tiff and Josh's place. And let me tell you tonight is the PERFECT night to be like "you know what vodka...we've had our differences in the past...but why don't we just work it out" Then I'm taking the 2:45 on saturday to spend the night at my cousin Vanessa's dorm. We are going into boston that night (she's in cambridge) I'm bringing cute shoes :) That I've walked around in before I should be fine.


also, sometime in the hopefully near future Heather and I are planning on collecting leaves and going to the park to do and old arts project we did back in 5th grade. where u place the leaves on fabric, cover them with wax paper and the bang on it with a hammer. The color from the leaves is transfered to the paper. I kind of want to make it into a cover for a journal.

i could go see of Montreal play in boston on oct 30th, but I dont want to go by myself.

perhaps next time they come around on their never ending tour

the first weekend of october is going to kick ass. That friday I am going to take the train to visit tiff and josh, and then take the train from fitchburg to go to boston and see Vanessa saturday/sunday.

I wrote down the train/subway scedule so I would know how to get around

Friday-
*12:12 franklin train. (arrives in s.station at 1:06)
*go to the corner mall for some food, and kill some time
*back to south station, take the redline to park st. switch to green go to n.station
*4:40 to Fitchburg (arrives at 5:57)

Saturday-
*2:45 fitchburg to N.Station (arrives 4:13
*take the green line to park st. switch to red. go to harvard

Sunday-
probally take the 1:20 or 3:20 back to franklin


so lets see

its funny how a song can remind you so much of someone, you almost need to shut it off.

So, as I'm sure everyone knows it rained like a mother fucker yesterday. That being said, although I did get to have lunch with Taco Thief (this was before the rain started) I decided against going into boston to see Vanessa. We both agreed that was for the best b/c I wouldn't have been able to see her for that long, since she had a meeting at 4 and class at 6:45. Tuesdays are the only day she has 3 classes, so we figured it would be easier to make plans on a two class day.

Tomorrow I am hanging out with Heather. She is picking me up at work, then we are going to hobo it out at panera's. Eat the bread samples and drink coffee from those tiny cups. Both of us are running low on money so we figured thats the best thing to do. Well, actually I have money, but I need to save it so any cheap day of fun, I'm all for. Of course maybe I'll "splurge" and get a butter croissant. which is like 1.80 I believe.

(written at 8:20 pm)
So I am sitting by the library as I write this. (hanging out with good ol’ Ben Franklin, or B. Frank as I call him, because we are tight.

Anyways…I just got out of my class (intro to business). So far, so good. Although, tonight was just an introduction to the class. Next week will be when the actual book learning begins. The professor, Mr. Fahey, seems very nice and is one of those people who likes to move around and be more “animated” than other teachers who just sit behind a podium and talk. I like that, It keeps me focused and awake when I don’t have to stare in 1 direction, for a long period of time. Also, there are only 7 people in the class

The way the class is broken down isn’t that bad. The midterm is in 3 weeks, which I guess is good because that means there will be less subjects to cram into it. It will consist of 3 parts, True/ False, A Matching Section, and an essay. The final exam we will be given 2 case studies to read and will have 2 weeks to complete. There are also 2 quizzes and a group project. In the group project we have to profile and talk about a major company…for 15 minutes (yikes, that kind of freaks me out). My group got Disney (my first choice. Yay.) So we are going to go try and explain what Disney is, besides theme parks and Mickey mouse.

(wow I should really write these live journal updates outside, my writing is so much better. In my room I’m just like “ yeah…class at dean…it was alright”

Hmm, tomorrow…SUPER FUCKING EXITED. I was planning on going into Boston to Wet Seal to buy another pair of sunglasses, because my awesome big rimmed red ones broke when I was at Tiff’s for Evan’s Birthday (my purse ate one of the umm ear things off). Well, I will still be going to do that, but Vanessa (my cousin, who I used to only be able to see a few times a year) has a few hours off from her classes at Lesley, so I am going to meet up with her at Harvard Square around 4:30ish. I will be getting into Boston about 3 (taking the 2:06 inbound) so that gives me plenty of time to buy a pair of sunglasses (maybe I’ll get another color…rock the white for a while?) and of course go to sushi time. It would be a sin to go to the corner mall and not get sushi. The Veggie one is really good. Perhaps I’ll get that and something else. Strangely enough, this will be my first time at Sushi time without Tiff. That’s kind of a sin, but a far less one than passing it and not eating anything, so that’s okay. If its not, I give her full permission to hate me for 45 seconds (that’s right, I’m a generous best friend)

Hmm, what else? Oh tonight, I believe I am going to hang out with my friend Sarah (Taco Thief, not Mustard) she goes to dean. Right now she is at her house in Milford because its her and 5 toes’ (Justin …my friends have odd nicknames) 1 year anniversary. She should be back in Franklin around 9-9:30ish. We’ll probably be able to hang out for about an hour, which is nice. I’d hang out longer, but I don’t want to walk home too late at night..

AHH….I wish I had bug spray, a mosquito just bit my finger, since it’s the only place to bite. I have on jeans and a hoodie now. J

Peace out
<3 Jess

Tommorrow i start my class at dean. Kind of freaking out, since I have very little interest in buisness and the class i am taking is intro to buisness (I figured that could do more to help in the long run than a writing class). I know its bad to go into something with the idea that I will hate the class, part of me says I will try and like it. Or at least if I hate it try to keep focused for the 2.5 hours I have the class. I don't want my money to go to waste.

I just wonder what the class will do tomorrow since as far as I'm aware of no books have been asigned. I mean if they were, I assunme i would have gotten something in the mail saying "order this book"

I have a feeling I'm going to become a fucking chain smoker because of this class

i finally got a new laptop. which means I will be getting no sleep from now on. I would force my self to try and sleep sometimes, but who needs that when I can just go and look up random shit on wikipedia? I went to try and find a cute laptop case (I have one that tiff gave me a few years ago, but I wanted to find something more girly) at tjmax b/c I had seen them there before, but they were all gone. I did however buy an adorable tote bag thats black and white striped with the Andy Warhol banana. It even came with a banana shaped change purse

also...class starts on monday, trying not to freak out to much. Tommorrow after I get out of work (both jobs 6-2) I have to go to Dean and find the building it will be in

The other day I was swimming at my sisters pool when she pointed to my thighs and asked "what's that?" I kind of just laughed and went, ah umm high school?" which is kind of true since two of the scars did happen in high school. I just hope I don't have to go into any more details the next time I go over her place (which should be tomorrow night, since I'm watching Corey friday morning)

I'm glad today wasn't weird when me and Heather hung out. I was afraid it'd be a little awkward, but it really wasn't. She picked me up around noon (ended up talking to my mom and meeting the puppies for a good bit, until I could motion "cigarettes" when my mom wasn't looking. Then we went to Paneras and looked at The Ultimate Notebook (from high school) and drank free coffee and bread, b/c we had like no money. Eventually I decided we should just share a loaf that was $2 (mostly b/c I was lazy and didnt want to keep on getting those little bread samples. Then we walked around and talked and finally went to borders because Heather wanted to show me these magazines with Tattoos in them

A FEW MINUTES AGO

Me: *Makes Ice cream cone sits down to enjoy it*

Mom: "That's it, I'm not buying anymore junk food the people in this house are getting way to heavy. *pauses* well the girls anyways

Me: "gee thanks"

Mom: "I'm just trying to help"

(needless to say, I didn't finish the ice cream cone. I mean how could I enjoy it after my mom basically called me fat)


I'm sorry, but I'm not fat, I could lose a few pounds, but technically at 136 I am in the healthy weight for my height. Its not my fault my mother is a fucking miserable cunt when she puts on weight and can't get it back off

So, my mom wants me to take some courses at Dean, but I have no clue if my parents are paying. I have no desire wasting my own money taking class I could care less about. I'm apparently suppose to take a public speaking class because it will "help me be more confident". Fuck that, all that would do is make me stressed all the way up to the speech, make me nervous while giving the speech then wanting to throw up after the speech. Why the hell do my parents always think they are right. I know they are trying to help, but seriously, its my fucking life.

is fucked up w/ spyware and is probally going to die. I deleted limewire so all the music I downloaded from there is gone. :( The anti spyware software on my computer isn't doing its job

Mrs. Varnum and Heather just stopped by with the remainder of my money and the Panic! @ the disco ticket. Heather wants to move past everything, but the truth is I don't think i can do that. I have my reasons. Personal reasons that I haven't even told her in my messages to her

Heather if you want to know, I'll tell you, its probally going to hurt though, but then maybe you will see. It won't be pretty but it will be the honest truth. Like I said people change. For a while I was changing for the worst. I'm finally changing for the better. I hate to say it but I feel that if I want to keep on changing myself for the better and not start, well you know, agian I can't have you as a major part of my future life. You were a major part of the past...but that was the past

I guess I basically said what I was going to send you...but if you need more of an explanation I'll try and go into it more.

I just got home from Tiff's house. I wrote an entry there but deleted it because I am stupid. It wasn't THAT important except for the part where certain people need to die a slow horrible death for hurting one of my best friends in the world

Remember:

*An Aquaintance will lend you a shovel

*A Friend will also help you dig the hole

*A best friend will help you find a remote location to dig the hole/fill the hole back up to hide the bodies.

PANIC! in 10 days with my faves. ALL drama will be left at the door. I won't let you ruin my fun